C18T4W2 - 社会生活类 - 人口老龄化

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我的答案

17:12 - 17:20 思路 - 17:38 撰写【标黄是认为措辞不怎么样的】

思路

Intro:

paraphrase + 表明观点：creates problems for governments

Body 1:

Problem 1: 老龄人口增加，直接导致政府需要花更多的钱供养老人，例如建设养老院，养老补贴等等。

Body 2:

Problem 2: 人口结构老龄化，lack of labor force 相对缺乏劳动力，导致经济疲软，从而对政府运行产生影响【这一步跨的有点大，经济疲软 → 影响政府财政？】。

Body 3:

简单说明好处。但归结到坏处大于好处。

看到标题我是一点好处都想不出来，太社达了……

With people’s longevity keep extending in many nations nowadays, ageing population increases in recent years. Some hold the view that the rising population of elderly people lead to more burden to local governments, while others have the opposite opinion that the elderly brings benefits to society. From my perspective, the demerits/drawbacks of having more older generations outweigh the merits.

Firstly, it is obvious that the governments have to put into more efforts and revenue to raise more elderly residents. For one thing, infrastructures like elderly care homes are built to accommodate older people. For another, pension policies and new subsidy measures targeted to the elderly are made to raise old generations. All of the above mentioned would definitely account for an increasing percentage of governments’ revenue, which leads to a heavy burden to the authorities.

Secondly, an increasing number of ageing population often results in lack of labor force, especially in the backdrop of fewer young people are willing to have babies. The phenomenon of lacking in labor force would further hit nations’ economy.

Although it is harsh to say but an ageing population would create more problems than bring in benefits to the governments in general.

【Word count = 182 words】

ChatGPT打分

1. Task Response（任务回应）：6.0

(1) 是否完全回答题目

你给出了立场（坏处 > 好处）。

但对“好处”部分展开过少，仅一句话，没有形成论证。

→ 扣分点：回答不全面

(2) 观点是否清晰、一致

观点一致，没有反复。

→ 加分点：立场明确

(3) 论证是否有深度

论点简单，缺乏深入分析，如“经济被 hit”未解释原因、机制、影响链条。

没有举例（国家、政策、趋势等）。

→ 扣分点：解释不足、例证缺失

(4) 是否达到最低字数 + 是否展开充分

182 words，远低于建议长度。

字数限制直接导致论证不够充分，影响评分。

→ 扣分点：发展不足

综上，TR = 6.0 是合理区间。

2. Coherence and Cohesion（衔接与连贯）：6.5

(1) Overall organisation（整体结构）

四段式结构良好：Intro + 2 缺点 + 简要提到好处。

→ 加分点：清晰可见的段落组织

(2) paragraphing（段落逻辑）

每段一个中心思想，但展开深度不够。

→ 扣分点：段落发展有限

(3) cohesion（衔接手段）

使用了基本的连接（Firstly, Secondly, Although）。

但较多机械衔接，没有逻辑型衔接（因果、让步、条件）。

(4) clarity & progression（逻辑推进）

经济部分逻辑跳跃：“劳动力不足 → economy hit” 中间缺乏解释。

→ 扣分点：逻辑跳跃

因此 CC 6.5 适合。

3. Lexical Resource（词汇）：6.0–6.5

(1) 词汇范围

有一些较高级词汇（infrastructures, subsidy measures）。

但整体词汇范围有限，重复使用较多的词（elderly、problem、governments）。

(2) collocation accuracy（搭配自然度）

这是你文章的最大扣分点之一。

错误或不自然搭配包括：

“put into more efforts and revenue”（不自然）

“the elderly brings benefits”（主谓不一致、搭配生硬）

“lack of labor force especially in the backdrop of”（表达僵硬）

“hit economy” 用于正式文写作不正式

→ 搭配错误影响 LR 得分明显

(3) spelling and word formation

无拼写问题，但有用词错误。

(4) lexical precision（词语精确度）

“raise old generations” 表达错误

“infrastructures like elderly care homes are built” 不够精确

“account for an increasing percentage of governments’ revenue” 语义混乱

综合来看 LR = 6.0–6.5，但更倾向 6.0。

4. Grammatical Range & Accuracy（语法）：6.0

(1) 语法多样性

基本句式为简单句 + 几个从句。

缺乏多样的复杂结构（让步、条件、名词性从句、插入语等）。

(2) 语法准确度

有以下错误或不自然构句：

“With people’s longevity keep extending”（语法错误，应该是 increasing / continuing to rise）

“elderly people lead to burden” → 应为 “lead to a burden”

“the above mentioned would definitely account for” → 格式不完全正确，应加 hyphen “above-mentioned”

冠词错误： “governments’ revenue” → 应为 government revenue（泛指）

(3) 句子结构的灵活度

很少使用复杂从句，句式偏重复。

(4) 控制力

虽然多数句子能读懂，但自然度偏低、准确度不足。

*总分：预计 6.0–6.5（最接近 6.5）

参考范文

ChatGPT - 9分范文

基于我的原稿，修改成 IELTS 9 分范文（高阶逻辑 + 深度论证）

这篇文章保留你的原意，但扩大深度 + 加强逻辑链条 + 增加实例。

In many parts of the world, people are living longer than ever before, resulting in societies with an increasingly large proportion of elderly citizens. While some argue that this demographic trend can bring certain social benefits, I believe that the disadvantages for governments and long-term national development are considerably greater.

In many parts of the world 同义替换 in many countries

an increasingly large proportion of elderly citizens 同义替换“更多老龄人口”

an increasingly large proportion of → more
elderly citizens → ageing population

One major drawback is the substantial fiscal pressure placed on public budgets. As the retired population grows, governments must devote far more resources to pension payments, healthcare subsidies, and long-term care services. Moreover, large-scale investment is required to expand aged-care facilities, such as nursing homes and rehabilitation centres. These expenditures are not only significant in the short term but also structurally difficult to reduce, meaning that governments may have less financial capacity to invest in other critical sectors, including education, infrastructure, and technological innovation.

retired population grows 同义替换 “更多老龄人口”

devote far more resources to pension payments, healthcare subsidies, and long-term care services 投入更多资源用于养老金发放、医疗补贴以及长期护理服务

【整理到这里了】

A second disadvantage concerns the labour market. An ageing population naturally leads to a shrinking workforce, especially in countries already experiencing low birth rates. With fewer economically active individuals supporting a greater number of retirees, productivity declines and tax revenues fall. Japan is often cited as an example: despite its advanced technological foundation, persistent labour shortages have contributed to decades of sluggish economic growth. Such macroeconomic challenges ultimately restrict the government’s ability to deliver effective public services and maintain long-term economic competitiveness.

Admittedly, older adults can make meaningful contributions to society. Many remain active through volunteering, mentoring, or passing on professional expertise to younger generations. These activities strengthen social cohesion and preserve cultural continuity. However, these benefits, while socially valuable, cannot fully compensate for the fiscal and economic strains created by a rapidly ageing demographic.

In conclusion, although an ageing population does bring certain advantages, the overall disadvantages for governments—especially in terms of financial sustainability and economic vitality—clearly outweigh the benefits.

约 330 字，符合 9 分特征：观点清晰、论证深入、逻辑链完整、举例具体、语言精炼且具学术感。

具体改进建议（针对你原文）

1. 深度不足：扩展“因果链条”

你原文中“经济疲软 → 对政府产生影响”太简略。应展开为：

劳动力减少 → 生产率下降 → 税收减少 → 政府财政压力加大。

IELTS 特别喜欢完整逻辑链。

2. 必须写出“好处”并稍微展开

即使你认为没有好处，也要写。否则扣 Task Response。

例如：

老人参与志愿活动

经验传承

祖辈照顾孙辈

3. 引入例子（国家案例即可）

不需要真实数据，提日本、韩国、意大利即可。

4. 提升表达自然度

把以下不自然表达换掉：

原表达	更地道的表达
put into more efforts and revenue	allocate more public expenditure
raise old generations	support the elderly population
ageing population increases	the proportion of elderly citizens has risen
hit the economy	undermine economic growth