C18T4W2 - 社会生活类 - 人口老龄化

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我的答案

17:12 - 17:20 思路 - 17:38 撰写【标黄是认为措辞不怎么样的】

思路

Intro:

paraphrase + 表明观点：creates problems for governments

Body 1:

Problem 1: 老龄人口增加，直接导致政府需要花更多的钱供养老人，例如建设养老院，养老补贴等等。

Body 2:

Problem 2: 人口结构老龄化，lack of labor force 相对缺乏劳动力，导致经济疲软，从而对政府运行产生影响【这一步跨的有点大，经济疲软 → 影响政府财政？】。

Body 3:

简单说明好处。但归结到坏处大于好处。

看到标题我是一点好处都想不出来，太社达了……

With people’s longevity keep extending in many nations nowadays, ageing population increases in recent years. Some hold the view that the rising population of elderly people lead to more burden to local governments, while others have the opposite opinion that the elderly brings benefits to society. From my perspective, the demerits/drawbacks of having more older generations outweigh the merits.

Firstly, it is obvious that the governments have to put into more efforts and revenue to raise more elderly residents. For one thing, infrastructures like elderly care homes are built to accommodate older people. For another, pension policies and new subsidy measures targeted to the elderly are made to raise old generations. All of the above mentioned would definitely account for an increasing percentage of governments’ revenue, which leads to a heavy burden to the authorities.

Secondly, an increasing number of ageing population often results in lack of labor force, especially in the backdrop of fewer young people are willing to have babies. The phenomenon of lacking in labor force would further hit nations’ economy.

Although it is harsh to say but an ageing population would create more problems than bring in benefits to the governments in general.

【Word count = 182 words】

ChatGPT打分

1. Task Response（任务回应）：6.0

(1) 是否完全回答题目

你给出了立场（坏处 > 好处）。

但对“好处”部分展开过少，仅一句话，没有形成论证。

→ 扣分点：回答不全面

(2) 观点是否清晰、一致

观点一致，没有反复。

→ 加分点：立场明确

(3) 论证是否有深度

论点简单，缺乏深入分析，如“经济被 hit”未解释原因、机制、影响链条。

没有举例（国家、政策、趋势等）。

→ 扣分点：解释不足、例证缺失

(4) 是否达到最低字数 + 是否展开充分

182 words，远低于建议长度。

字数限制直接导致论证不够充分，影响评分。

→ 扣分点：发展不足

综上，TR = 6.0 是合理区间。

2. Coherence and Cohesion（衔接与连贯）：6.5

(1) Overall organisation（整体结构）

四段式结构良好：Intro + 2 缺点 + 简要提到好处。

→ 加分点：清晰可见的段落组织

(2) paragraphing（段落逻辑）

每段一个中心思想，但展开深度不够。

→ 扣分点：段落发展有限

(3) cohesion（衔接手段）

使用了基本的连接（Firstly, Secondly, Although）。

但较多机械衔接，没有逻辑型衔接（因果、让步、条件）。

(4) clarity & progression（逻辑推进）

经济部分逻辑跳跃：“劳动力不足 → economy hit” 中间缺乏解释。

→ 扣分点：逻辑跳跃

因此 CC 6.5 适合。

3. Lexical Resource（词汇）：6.0–6.5

(1) 词汇范围

有一些较高级词汇（infrastructures, subsidy measures）。

但整体词汇范围有限，重复使用较多的词（elderly、problem、governments）。

(2) collocation accuracy（搭配自然度）

这是你文章的最大扣分点之一。

错误或不自然搭配包括：

“put into more efforts and revenue”（不自然）

“the elderly brings benefits”（主谓不一致、搭配生硬）

“lack of labor force especially in the backdrop of”（表达僵硬）

“hit economy” 用于正式文写作不正式

→ 搭配错误影响 LR 得分明显

(3) spelling and word formation

无拼写问题，但有用词错误。

(4) lexical precision（词语精确度）

“raise old generations” 表达错误

“infrastructures like elderly care homes are built” 不够精确

“account for an increasing percentage of governments’ revenue” 语义混乱

综合来看 LR = 6.0–6.5，但更倾向 6.0。

4. Grammatical Range & Accuracy（语法）：6.0

(1) 语法多样性

基本句式为简单句 + 几个从句。

缺乏多样的复杂结构（让步、条件、名词性从句、插入语等）。

(2) 语法准确度

有以下错误或不自然构句：

“With people’s longevity keep extending”（语法错误，应该是 increasing / continuing to rise）

“elderly people lead to burden” → 应为 “lead to a burden”

“the above mentioned would definitely account for” → 格式不完全正确，应加 hyphen “above-mentioned”

冠词错误： “governments’ revenue” → 应为 government revenue（泛指）

(3) 句子结构的灵活度

很少使用复杂从句，句式偏重复。

(4) 控制力

虽然多数句子能读懂，但自然度偏低、准确度不足。

*总分：预计 6.0–6.5（最接近 6.5）

参考范文

ChatGPT - 9分范文

基于我的原稿，修改成 IELTS 9 分范文（高阶逻辑 + 深度论证）

这篇文章保留你的原意，但扩大深度 + 加强逻辑链条 + 增加实例。

In many parts of the world, people are living longer than ever before, resulting in societies with an increasingly large proportion of elderly citizens. While some argue that this demographic trend can bring certain social benefits, I believe that the disadvantages for governments and long-term national development are considerably greater.

In many parts of the world 同义替换 in many countries

an increasingly large proportion of elderly citizens 同义替换“更多老龄人口”

an increasingly large proportion of → more
elderly citizens → ageing population

One major drawback is the substantial fiscal pressure placed on public budgets. As the retired population grows, governments must devote far more resources to pension payments, healthcare subsidies, and long-term care services. Moreover, large-scale investment is required to expand aged-care facilities, such as nursing homes and rehabilitation centres → elderly care centres. These expenditures are not only substantial in the short term but also difficult to reduce over time, placing a heavy fiscal burden on governments and potentially limiting their ability to improve services directly related to the ageing population, such as healthcare and elderly care.

retired population grows 同义替换 “更多老龄人口”

devote far more resources to pension payments, healthcare subsidies, and long-term care services 投入更多资源用于养老金发放、医疗补贴以及长期护理服务

nursing home noun /ˈnɜːrsɪŋ həʊm/ a small private hospital, especially one where old people live and are cared for 小型私立疗养院；（尤指）私立养老院

Eventually she had to give up her house and go into a nursing home. 最终她不得不放弃自己的房子，住进了养老院。

rehabilitation centre noun 康复中心

rehabilitation noun /ˌriːəˌbɪlɪˈteɪʃn/ [uncountable] the process of helping somebody to have a normal, useful life again after they have been very ill or in prison for a long time 在某人重病或长期入狱后，帮助他重新过上正常、有用的生活的过程。

a drug rehabilitation centre 戒毒康复中心

the rehabilitation of offenders 罪犯的改造

个人认为 rehabilitation 这个词会造成误解，ChatGPT解释

你说得对，rehabilitation centre 这个词在英语里容易引起误解，因为它通常和 戒毒、矫正（犯罪） 相关联，而不是单纯指老年人康复或医疗康复。你在文章里讲的是 养老设施 的建设，所以用这个词可能让读者误以为是戒毒中心或监狱改造中心。

更合适的表达可以是：

elderly care centre（老年护理中心）

geriatric care centre（老年医疗护理中心）

rehabilitation facility 可以保留，但最好加上修饰词，例如 medical rehabilitation facility 或 post-illness rehabilitation facility，这样就不会让人以为是戒毒/矫正机构。

改写你原文中这一句，可以这样：

Moreover, large-scale investment is required to expand aged-care facilities, such as nursing homes and elderly care centres.

这样读者一看就明白你说的是老年人护理相关设施，而不会误解成戒毒或矫正中心。

如果你需要，我可以帮你把整段文字优化成更自然的学术英语，同时避免“rehabilitation centre”的歧义。你希望我帮你做吗？

expenditure [C,U] 花费

替换 spending

a reduction in public/government/military expenditure公共／政府／军费开支的削减

plans to increase expenditure on health增加医疗保健开支的计划

The budget provided for a total expenditure of £27 billion.预算案规定支出总额为 270 亿英镑。

A second disadvantage concerns the labour market. An ageing population naturally leads to a shrinking workforce especially in countries already experiencing low birth rates. With fewer economically active individuals supporting a greater number of retirees, productivity declines and tax revenues fall. Japan is often cited as an example: despite its advanced technological foundation, persistent labour shortages have contributed to decades of sluggish economic growth. Such macroeconomic challenges ultimately restrict the government’s ability to deliver effective public services and maintain long-term economic competitiveness.

concern verb 关于

lead to a shrinking workforce 劳动力减少

retirees 同义替换老年人

可与 elderly population 或 pensioners 替换，根据语境选择。

XX is often cited as an example: …

“某某通常被举例说明”，用于引入例子（这里是日本）。

注意后面要跟具体事实或数据支撑论点。

persistent labour shortages 劳动力一直短缺

sluggish economic growth 经济发展迟缓

sluggish adjective /ˈslʌɡɪʃ/ moving, reacting or working more slowly than normal 缓慢的；迟缓的；懒洋洋的

sluggish traffic 缓缓移动的车流

a sluggish economy 经济停滞

Admittedly, older adults can make meaningful contributions to society. Many remain active through volunteering, mentoring, or passing on professional expertise to younger generations. These activities strengthen social cohesion and preserve cultural continuity. However, these benefits, while socially valuable, cannot fully compensate for the fiscal and economic strains created by a rapidly ageing demographic.

admittedly adv.

表示“不可否认地，诚然”，常用于 转折/承认对立观点 的开头，在雅思写作中非常适合 引入驳反段（rebuttal），表明你先承认对方观点，再提出自己的论点。

例：Admittedly, renewable energy can be expensive initially, but its long-term benefits outweigh the costs.

older adults 同义替换老年人

同义替换：elderly people / senior citizens / the ageing population（根据句子和语气选择）

make meaningful contributions to society 【写benefits】表示“为社会做出有意义的贡献”，用来描述 老年人的社会价值/优势。

volunteering, mentoring, or passing on professional expertise to younger generations

volunteering：志愿服务

mentoring：指导年轻人、职业辅导

passing on professional expertise：传授经验

strengthen social cohesion and preserve cultural continuity

描述社会价值：

social cohesion：社会凝聚力
cultural continuity：文化传承

强调贡献不仅是经济层面，还有社会文化层面

fully compensate for the fiscal and economic strains

表示“完全抵消财政和经济压力”，是 对比劣势的关键表达

strain：压力、紧张局面

可以同义替换：offset / make up for / counterbalance

a rapidly ageing demographic 同义替换老龄化人口

正式表达“快速老龄化的人口”，可替换 ageing population / growing proportion of elderly / demographic shift towards older age

In conclusion, although an ageing population does bring certain advantages, the overall disadvantages for governments—especially in terms of financial sustainability and economic vitality—clearly outweigh the benefits.

总结段句式总结：In conclusion, although … does bring certain advantages, the overall disadvantages … clearly outweigh the benefits.

雅思写作Task 2常用句型，承认优点 → 强调缺点 → 明确立场。

financial sustainability

财政可持续性，强调 政府在长期维持财政健康方面的压力

同义替换：fiscal stability / budgetary sustainability

economic vitality

经济活力，强调 经济增长和生产力水平

同义替换：economic dynamism / economic growth potential

约 330 字，符合 9 分特征：观点清晰、论证深入、逻辑链完整、举例具体、语言精炼且具学术感。

具体改进建议（针对你原文）

1. 深度不足：扩展“因果链条”

你原文中“经济疲软 → 对政府产生影响”太简略。应展开为：

劳动力减少 → 生产率下降 → 税收减少 → 政府财政压力加大。

IELTS 特别喜欢完整逻辑链。

2. 必须写出“好处”并稍微展开

即使你认为没有好处，也要写。否则扣 Task Response。

例如：

老人参与志愿活动

经验传承

祖辈照顾孙辈

3. 引入例子（国家案例即可）

不需要真实数据，提日本、韩国、意大利即可。

4. 提升表达自然度

把以下不自然表达换掉：

原表达	更地道的表达
put into more efforts and revenue	allocate more public expenditure
raise old generations	support the elderly population
ageing population increases	the proportion of elderly citizens has risen
hit the economy	undermine economic growth

5. 展示更丰富句型

如从句、让步句、分词结构。

这是 8–9 分的必备。

总结

同义替换

In many parts of the world → in many countries

an increasingly large proportion of elderly citizens → more elderly population / ageing population

retired population grows → more elderly population / growing number of pensioners

devote far more resources to pension payments, healthcare subsidies, and long-term care services → allocate more resources to pensions, healthcare, and elderly care

rehabilitation centres → elderly care centres / geriatric care centres / medical rehabilitation facility

expenditures → spending / costs

concerns → relates to / involves

lead to a shrinking workforce → result in a smaller labour force / reduced workforce

retirees → elderly population / pensioners / senior citizens

persistent labour shortages → long-term labour shortages / ongoing workforce deficits

sluggish economic growth → slow economic growth / stagnant economy

admittedly → undeniably / certainly / it is true that

older adults → elderly people / senior citizens / the ageing population

make meaningful contributions to society → play a valuable role / contribute positively to society

strengthen social cohesion and preserve cultural continuity → enhance community bonds and maintain cultural heritage

fully compensate for the fiscal and economic strains → completely offset the financial and economic pressures / counterbalance the economic burden